JUST BEING

I wanted to touch,
that place where love lies,
where tears never reach
and scars can’t disguise.

I wanted to heal,
the wound set so deep,
but words cannot move,
the dark treasure you keep.

I wanted to remove,
the symbols of your past,
the secret inscriptions,
in flesh and blood cast.

As I sat thinking,
the light slowly came,
these things were but letters,
that spelled out your name.

And so I embraced,
the sorrows and pain,
things I could not touch,
would never ascertain.

But that was alright,
I found a truer meaning,
for love is not wanting,
but sometimes, just being.

I TOO

When I hear people
Telling of heroes
telling of great deeds
Of ancient days
When I read the telling in the books of ancient and current history
Then I think within me
I too , am one of these



When I hear the people
Praising great ones
Then I know that I too
Shall be esteemed
I too, when my time comes
I Shall do mightily!

MIRACLES I SEE

Why, who makes much of a miracle?
As to me I know nothing else but miracles
WetherI walk the streets of Nairobi
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses towards the sky
Or walk with naked feet at the beach
Or stand under trees in the park
Or talk by day with any one I love...
Or sit at the table for supper with my family
Or look at strangers beside me in a matatu
or watch wasps building a home on my ceiling


Or animals feeding in the fields
Or birds circling in the sky
Or the marvel which is sundown, or the stars, shiny, so quiet and bright
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the moon.
Or simply reading a book!
These with the rest, one and all, are miracles.
Each distinct and in its place


To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same
And every foot of the earth's interior is spread with the same

To me the sea is a continual miracle
The fishes that, swim, the rocks,
The motion of the waves, the boats, ferries with people
The salty smell of the sea!
What stranger miracles are there?
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HOW WE ARE

When we are going toward someone we say
You are just like me
Your thoughts are like mine
Word matches word
How easy to be together!


When we are leaving someone we say
How strange you are
We cannot communicate
We can never agree
I cant stand you
How hard, hard and weary to be together.


We are not different nor alike
But each strange in their leather body
Sealed in skin and reaching out clumsy hands
And loving is an act that cannot outlive
The open hands
The open eye
The door in the chest standing open

SHE COULDN'T RUN

Mariah felt uncomfortable standing in her new bikini as she looked across the blue expanse of the hotel’s Olympic sized swimming pool. Black lines rippled under the water, marking lines of traffic for those wishing to swim. Couples splashed in the shallow end while some show-offs attempted fancy dives in the deep water end. This was not at all the way she had expected to spend her weekend she had new potential clients who had shown interest.

Fareed swam gently in the water in front of Mariah, smiling up at her as water drops glistened on his face. He looked handsome. It was impossible to imagine him ruthless or imagine them criminals. They both looked like any other couple. He stroked backward swimming out of her way, the muscle enclosed within his swimsuit distracted her from thoughts of the cold water. “Come on Mariah what are you waiting for?”

Fareed had invited her for a weekend getaway at this hotel. The water stretched out in front of her, she had to dive in or continue to look silly. People had already started staring. Squeezing her eyes shut, she abandoned elegance and leaped into the water. She splashed down in what seemed like the Indian ocean to her. She came up gasping and flinging the chlorinated water from her eyes and blinking in amazement at Fareed who swam toward her smiling. He looked even sexier. “That was brilliant diving, the best I have seen in a long time, I wonder why you were hesitating,” he said as he reached her.

“The water is cold” She said.

“Not cold sweetheart,” he smiled, “just unheated, there is a difference”

Mariah shivered and swam across the pool , generating body heat before her skin could go numb. Fareed followed her. She was beginning to feel her body adjusting to the water coolness. She kept moving with him close behind. And surprisingly she found that it was fun.

“Are you alright? Don’t worry about the girls, everything is under control, the clients checked in and so far they are satisfied” He said coming alongside her and looking into her eyes. She continued to swim with an easy gliding motion across the water.

“ I am okay” She said raising her eyebrows at him, “am no baby”

“Before you got in the water anyone watching would think its your first time,”

“Not me, I have lived along the coast most of my life, but I admit you swim better than I do,”

“Why don’t we find out by you racing me to the end,”

He let her beat him to the end and then together they slowly swam toward the shallow end of the pool. Mariah reached shallow enough water to stand up. She waded over the steps as he followed watching her body as she climbed out of the pool. She stood glistening and drying in the sunshine as Fareed stared at how the droplets trickled down her skin.

Mariah looked at him and furrowed her brow. “Would you atleast close your mouth when you stare at my body?” She said jokingly and he smiled at her.

“There is a lot to gape at. besides you are beautiful,” He said leaning towards her as her lips parted in anticipation of the kiss that was to come.

Loud ringing pierced a fuzzy-headed morning, shattering her dream, the vivid colors of her dream disappeared. And she was in her bed as she rose through the depths of sleep, she always woke up when the dream got to her favorite part. The part where they kissed. Mariah knew she wouldn’t go to work. There was no work to go to, she had been out of business for two years now. She still lived off the money she had made during her business years.

If she waited long enough the ringing of her cellphone would stop, she thought. But instead of stopping the ringing persisted incessantly until she rolled over and reached for it on her bedside stand.

“Hello?” Her mouth tasted dry, cottony. Sunlight streamed through the curtains of her window illuminating her bedroom with a bright yellow glow.

“Mariah!” It was Fareed, his voice sounded panicky

She lifted to an elbow and glanced at the clock, which said 8:32. “What’s going on?” Her mind was cleared from sleep and she was now fully alert. She hadn’t seen Fareed since they parted ways two years ago, he had been a friend with benefits and a “business partner” but her conscience would not allow her to continue with the business. It was illegal and terrible things happened.

“Sorry to wake you up but I had to call you, this is important.”He said

Mariah sat up and swung her legs to the side of the bed. “Get to the point please you are getting me worried,”

“Okay, some gentlemen from the CID came here this morning, they know about the house along Chaka road. They say they have witnesses . They found some of the girls who are willing to talk,” Said Fareed.

“Did they have an arrest warrant for us” Asked Mariah afraid now.

“No, they asked me not leave town, or country that am under investigation, am sure they are coming to your place, I called to warn you,”He said regretfully

And before she could say anything else there was loud knocking on her door. She couldn’t move as the phone fell from her hand. Her sins had finally caught up with her.

She was crouched hugging her knees on the floor as the knocking became persistent. She finally decided to answer the door. Still in her sleeping gown, She got up and with jerky hypnotic movements , reached the door and opened it.

Barrage of IDs

They were there and she didn’t need their identification to recognize them. They wore brittle smiles on their faces and one wore sunglasses. The one with the sunglasses reached from inside his jacket and flipped open his identification. His companions did the same. Mariah reeled back at the barrage of IDs. She had no desire to read any of them.

“Madam Good morning, Criminal Investigation Department. We are here to get information from you, concerning the house along chaka road ” Said the sunglassed one pushing his way into her house as the rest followed.

Mariah Gaped like a stranded fish and said nothing as she joined them in her living room. She was still in shock. Then she shuddered in panic and they all watched her.

“I..I don’t know any house along Chaka road,”She managed, “I don’t want to be bothered.”

“Look madam if you refuse to cooperate with us, all you will accomplish is to alert your neighbors that you are in trouble. Would you rather we escorted you down to our headquarters for questioning?”asked one of the officers sternly.

Mariah closed her eyes and whispered,” What do you need to know?”

“About the house along chaka road and whatever happened to Eunia, specifically “ He said calmly as he took out his tape recorder and pressed the button.

*********************

The house…the girls

It was a beautiful one story house with lots of rooms. The neighbors on Chaka road could not even in their wildest dreams guess what went on there. People drove in and out of the grounds. Politicians, CEOs, and businessmen were the frequent visitors of the house. The hedges grew tall and no one would peek inside. The guards and the dogs were alert at all times. No one who didn’t belong got past. The house was run by Madame Mariah and Fareed.

Eunia was beautiful, tall and dark skinned.She was nineteen.She was brought to the house along Chaka road straight from upcountry by Fareed who had promised her a modeling contract. She was an orphan and had been under the care of her grandmother.Fareed had gone on one of the his "scouting" journeys and found her.She looked innocent and marveled at the lush grounds, the big house and the shiny new cars parked at the grounds. She was awed by the new dresses she was given and by the big bathroom and the shower. Even the food. It was a far cry from the village and the small hut she shared with her grandmother back in the village. Everything was alien and wonderful for her.

The next morning , unsuspecting, she followed all the other girls for the morning line up after breakfast. The clients had arrived early since it was a weekend. They sat and watched the girls as they were paraded. One particular client showed interest Eunia.

“I like this one,” Said the man pointing at Eunia, “is she new, a virgin perhaps?”

Fareed smiled a knowing smile at the client, “You bet, no disease, more pleasure and fresh from the cradle! And you will pay more of course”

“Money is no problem as long as I get my money’s worth,” said the man grinning at Eunia.

The reality of the situation sunk in Eunia’s head and she was horrified. She perfectly understood since they spoke the national language.Up until then she thought they were being paraded for modeling selection.. She was horrified and her stomach clenched in fear and anger and she burst out!

“No! Not if my life depended on it,” Shouted Eunia

“How dare you! After all we have done for you? Stop saying that!” Snorted Fareed

“I will say it many times if I want to, you promised my grandmother you will take me to modeling, I am not going to accept this”

“Show some respect, cant you see we have clients present”Hissed fareed at the girl who cowered.

“But..but..”she muttered.

“Quiet!”Shouted Fareed cutting her off and slapping her in the process, “You have a roof under you, new clothes and food do you think all that is for free?”

He then slapped her severally and she screamed. “That should chasten you, you hard headed girl. Talking to me like am your errand boy. See all this girls? You will be working with them and ask them what happens to rebels”

Eunia only looked at him tears spilling down her face the magnitude what she was to do hitting her.

She suddenly knew she couldn’t do it. She wont do it, she decided. She will refuse and demand to go back to the village. Or runway, yes she would run away. They all went to their room. A big room with beds. Eunia wouldn’t stop crying. No one came to talk to her, the other girls all had bored expressions on their faces. Eunia wondered why they couldn’t see the wrong in what they did. She could tell she disgusted them with her crying.

A woman came in to lead her out to meet her first client.

“My name is Mariah, Fareed and I run this place and if you work well you get a good bonus” She said gently to her

“I am not going anywhere,” She calmly told Mariah .

Mariah only smiled, then without warning she slapped her and grabbed her roughly and pushed her towards the door. “Don’t make this hard for yourself, if you cooperate it will be easier, besides its not so bad,” She said smiling coldly.

Eunia had no choice she walked where she was led.

They entered another room where the client waited and Mariah hastly withdrew, leaving them alone. But not before she heard the client say, “Take off your dress mrembo, beautiful one, Start with your underwear”

Eunia shuddered.

“I will not, ”She replied defiantly

“Then I will do it for you,” He said coming towards her as she moved backwards till she reached the wall.

He still came. Eunia looked around frantically searching for anything, a weapon, she knew screaming will would be no use. She just stood there as he took off her dress and her underwear and when she was naked she knew she will have to go through it. Then he held her hand and led her to the bed forced her to lie on it. He stood there for a moment looking down at her young body which lay on the bed shaking. Her eyes were tightly closed as were her legs. She looked beautiful, innocent,ready to eat. And he took off his clothes.

Scream…screams

The screams were screams of pain, agony in capitals.. Now screams in the house were not uncommon and no one bothered to investigate. But the reason this particular screams generated concern was that they came from a client and not one of the girls. They were not screams of pleasure. Fareed, Mariah and two security guards came and banged the door in urgency. The door would not open but the screams continued. The man seemed to be in great pain. They finally decided to break the door of the room.

The new girl Eunia cowered in the corner whimpering and watching the screaming man. She had bright red blood on her. The man was on the bed. Now howling holding the side of his belly where the hilt of a small knife protruded , the whole bed was a bloody mess..Somehow Eunia had got hold of a small knife she had seen on the table beside the bed and stabbed the man. It had belonged to the client.

“Mariah, Hurry and Call our doctor,” Said Fareed looking at the cowering Eunia in distaste, “and you! you are going to regret your birth into this world.”

The doctor came, no ambulances , just a doctor. No need to alert authorities everything was hush.hush as the client situation was brought under control. He did not die.

As for Eunia’s punishment, Fareed chose his most ruthless clients and they gang raped her, the whole night. The next day as Eunia slept alone in her own room, she woke up and committed suicide by tying two bed sheets together and hanging herself from the balcony of the one storey house.

Her body had to be disposed, again no need alerting authorities. Fareed and the guards wrapped her body in bed sheets and drove as far away as they could in the dead of the night. They dumped it into some bushes and drove off. The next day passers by alerted the police of a naked dead body of a girl in the bushes of a highway. The body was carried away to the city mortuary. Another of the many unidentified bodies which will be disposed off since no one would come to claim it.

****************

“And that is all, that is what happened to Eunia” Finished Mariah feeling as if a burden had lifted, the death of that girl had haunted her for a long time until she had decided to quit the business .

“Now madam am afraid you will have to get dressed and come with us down to the headquarters,” Said the sunglassed one.

“Okay let me go and get dressed in the bedroom,” She said calmly and walked into her bedroom as the CID men waited in the living room.

She locked herself inside and sat on her bed. “Damn you fareed!” She muttered.

He had said they will never be caught. He had said he had ensured that.

She then reached into the drawer by her bedside.

The CID officers in the living room had waited for a full ten minutes and were growing impatient. One of them knocked. “Madam, time is of essence here, you better hurry,” He said.

There was no response, instead they heard a loud pop sound, and a thump. They all stood up. They tried the door but it was locked. Two of them threw their shoulders against the door and the impact splintered some wood as the door opened.

Mariah lay slouched backward on her bed a small pistol beside her. The bullet seemed to have entered the back of her mouth throwing her backward. Red spatters of blood were sprayed on the wall behind her.

The CID officers looked for sometime before one of them reached for a phone.

"Fareed she is dead....by her own hand," Said one officer.

LETTER TO NOAH

Dear Noah,

I write this letter by candlelight as you lie sleeping in the bedroom we have shared since the day we were married. And though I cant hear the soft sounds of your slumber, I know you are there and soon I will be lying next to you again as I always have. And I will feel your warmth and your comfort and your breaths will slowly guide me to the place where I dream of you and the wonderful man you are.

I see the flame of the candle beside me and it reminds me of another fire from decades ago, with me in my soft dress and you in your jeans, by the campfire at the river bank. Our first ever lovemaking. I knew we would always be together. Even though I wavered the following day my heart had been captured, roped by you my love and I always knew my heart was yours. Who was I to question a love that rode on shooting stars and roared like crashing waves? For that is what it was between us then and that is what it is today. You did not question me when I would leave and walk alone the next few days, and when I came with tears in my eyes you always knew whether I needed you to hold me or to just let me be. I don’t know how you knew but you did and you made it easier for me.

Later when we went to the attorney general’s chambers and signed the papers, traded our vows, I looked into your eyes and knew I had made the right decision. But more than that I knew I was foolish for ever considering someone else. I have never wavered since. We have a wonderful life together and I think about it a lot. I close my eyes sometimes and see you with speckles of gray in your hair, sitting on the porch and playing your guitar while our little ones sing and clap to the music you create. Your clothes are stained with dirt and sweat from hours of work and you are tired. And though I offer you time to relax, you smile and say, “that’s what am doing now,” I find your love for our children very sensual and exciting, “you are a better father than you know,” I tell you later after the children are sleeping.

Soon after, we peel off our clothes and kiss each other and almost loose ourselves before we are able to slip between the cotton sheets. We make love far into the night.

I love you for many things, especially your passions, for they have always been those things which are the most beautiful in life. God, love, art, fatherhood, friendship and countless others.

It is impossible to remember when you were not part of me. I think my life begun after I met you. I do not know who I would have become had you never come into my life. I have no doubt that I would have lived and died with regrets of not meeting the one, which is you.

I love you, I am who I am because of you. You are every reason every hope and every dream I have ever had and no matter what happens to us in future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours and my darling you will always be mine.

Love

IN HONOR OF ALL THE NOAH'S IN THE WORLD

ACHING HEART

I remember the first time I saw you

I remember thinking how I couldn't wait for that first touch,

The longing and the tantalizing sensations that ran through me

With the speed of lightening as I imagined that first lovers kiss,

The sweet intimate look of the first glimpse of heaven..

I remember a life we never got to see.

For the longest time I've done nothing but play the role of a friend to you ..

Secretly, I have desired you with every fragment of my being.

I die a little death every time you say you love me because

I know you will never love me the way that I love you

And you will never know because I will never be brave enough to tell you.

My friend, my love, my dream.

So hard it is to believe, that I let you go.

My heart still aches for you when I remember

Swear I do, that I sometimes can feel you next to me.

I realise that my madness is driving me to see images that ceased to exist.

Everyday is an excruciating reminder of what could have been

The skies and the ageless earth have witnessed true love fade away.

Torn by destiny, defined by fate,

When you said you don't want to be with me

you pushed me away knowing that you need me,

When you cried and did not want to show me that you've been hurting,

Did you know that my heart always cried with you in need of your single touch?

That before dawn neared, I stole a kiss?

That I inwardly need u as bad as u need me?

I stood still as I watched lovers walk in and out of your life.

I felt every heartbreak,

Saw every tear and healed your heart time and time again.

Driven by this impossible love,

I desperately held onto you, hoping, praying

that someday you would look at me just slightly close to the way you looked at them,

but you always found your love in someone else.

I had scars in my heart.

Wounds that went so deep.

Forever came and left me shattered.

Trying to pick up a million little pieces to make me who I was again,

I got lost along the way and an angel rescued me.

Alone, I was trapped in a maze when help came

I had wings and could fly finally.

A new heart I got and then I guarded it with my life

At night, when I can't sleep, I cry.

I beat myself up for ever letting you walk out of my life.

I couldn't ask you to stay but I didn't want you to leave either.

You left with the best half of me.

When I find myself weak, my shadow watching me in despair,

I swear I just want to come and find you

And I pray to God you are just as miserable as I am.