ACHING HEART

I remember the first time I saw you

I remember thinking how I couldn't wait for that first touch,

The longing and the tantalizing sensations that ran through me

With the speed of lightening as I imagined that first lovers kiss,

The sweet intimate look of the first glimpse of heaven..

I remember a life we never got to see.

For the longest time I've done nothing but play the role of a friend to you ..

Secretly, I have desired you with every fragment of my being.

I die a little death every time you say you love me because

I know you will never love me the way that I love you

And you will never know because I will never be brave enough to tell you.

My friend, my love, my dream.

So hard it is to believe, that I let you go.

My heart still aches for you when I remember

Swear I do, that I sometimes can feel you next to me.

I realise that my madness is driving me to see images that ceased to exist.

Everyday is an excruciating reminder of what could have been

The skies and the ageless earth have witnessed true love fade away.

Torn by destiny, defined by fate,

When you said you don't want to be with me

you pushed me away knowing that you need me,

When you cried and did not want to show me that you've been hurting,

Did you know that my heart always cried with you in need of your single touch?

That before dawn neared, I stole a kiss?

That I inwardly need u as bad as u need me?

I stood still as I watched lovers walk in and out of your life.

I felt every heartbreak,

Saw every tear and healed your heart time and time again.

Driven by this impossible love,

I desperately held onto you, hoping, praying

that someday you would look at me just slightly close to the way you looked at them,

but you always found your love in someone else.

I had scars in my heart.

Wounds that went so deep.

Forever came and left me shattered.

Trying to pick up a million little pieces to make me who I was again,

I got lost along the way and an angel rescued me.

Alone, I was trapped in a maze when help came

I had wings and could fly finally.

A new heart I got and then I guarded it with my life

At night, when I can't sleep, I cry.

I beat myself up for ever letting you walk out of my life.

I couldn't ask you to stay but I didn't want you to leave either.

You left with the best half of me.

When I find myself weak, my shadow watching me in despair,

I swear I just want to come and find you

And I pray to God you are just as miserable as I am.

JUST AN OLD GIRL

Just an old girl watching

The slow tread

Of the day slipping by

Just a few wrinkles around the eyes

A few laugh lines around the mouth

A few grey hairs

To tell the tale of her living

And yes, she did live

During her younger days

Now Susanna,just an old girl

Just an old dress, once bright and beautiful

Now faded but with traces of the beauty afore

Just an old figure, once full and curvaceous

Now bent and flabby

The once firm legs that were never covered

Susanna of the legs, they called her

But not anymore, just an old girl

Just the old memories

Of trips to heaven and hell

Susanna of yore, Susanna of the figure

Susanna who tired not of gyrating to the beat

Susanna who excited the male

I reside with Susanna now, they declared proudly

The Susanna of yore is now

Just an old girl with bittersweet memories!

THE COMING

I listen to the wind

It whispers, he is coming

I look and look but he doesn’t come

I listen to everyone

They say behind my back

He is not coming, she waits in vain

She is no longer his bride

But when I listen to the rain

It patters on the roof

And I think it says, He is coming

The dawn is here, and new promises it brings

I stand at the window

Watching the rays of the great orb

As they warm my skin and light up the world

He is coming, the orb says

I feel the little bun in the oven

It grows everyday, I can feel its heartbeat

I listen to the little kicks, of the tiny legs and fists

It seems to say, he is coming

And I wait, He is coming, I tell myself

I stand at the window again

The great orb is long set

And in its place are the clear night sky, with the bright stars

I look at the distant hills where the bright glow of the moon rests.

It is beautiful

I listen to my heart, it says he is coming.

I am alone, starting to waver

Thinking, will he come?

And then I hear.

The sound I have waited for what seems like eons

The sound of the crunch of the gravel at the drive.

My heart seems to stop

Footsteps

He is here! He is here! My heart sings

And he comes, he comes home to us.

GOOD OLD LOVE

Warm feelings mutual

Warm looks exchanged

Warm bed shared

Warm skins touching

All love

Long days endured for another

Flowers and draughts given

Fond memories shared

All serene when the other is around

Still love

Broken promises,broken hearts

Broken spirits, shattered dreams

Bitter truth that is blinding

Nary a peep of love anywhere

But still there, still love

Passionate love, Distant love

Imaginative love, Tough love

Unconditional Love

Still good old love

SON & SILENCES

Mother: Son, I should tell you something...

Son: (interested silence)

Mother: You know... I am getting married.

Son: (alert silence)

Mother: No, not with your father that will never happen…

Son: (afflicted silence)

Mother: I love this new man... !

Son: (condemning silence)

Mother: You, probably, want to know, who is it?

Son: (affirmative silence)

Mother: It is Uncle Malala.

Son: (Shocked silence)

Mother: You know Uncle Malala? He has been droping by.

Son: (Bored silence)

Mother: He is a fine man and you and I are going to be happy living with him ...

Son: (Horrified silence)

Mother: Yes! And he is going to be your new father and you will always respect him.

Son: (contemptuous silence)

Mother: Uncle Malala loves me too...

Son: (Sneering silence)

Mother: I know you don’t like it, I know you prefer that I get married to your father again..

Son: (Nostalgic silence)

Mother: I have sacrificed so much for you don’t you think I deserve some happiness?

Son: ( Sympathetic silence)

Mother: Uncle Malala is a wonderful person and very wealthy..and besides you will have company, he has a son who you will be friends with

Son: (Angry silence)

Mother: And you...I will now afford to take you to a special school, where you will learn how to read and write the special way.

Son: ( Doubtful silence)

Mother: You don’t believe?, You think I will abandon you?

Son: ( Possesive silence)

Mother: Son, I will never, ever abandon you, you hear? Where I go you come.

Son: (spiteful silence)

Mother: Son I think you are being selfish and stubborn. Cant you see Uncle Malala is like saviour

Son: (hating silence)

Mother: He treats me well, your father loved you but he treated me badly.

Son: (sad silence)

Mother: I know this is hard on you, but it is also the best for us. Both me and you.

Son: (protesting silence)

Mother: You think I am doing this for myself only. Son you have to know every decision I make I have to think of you first. You prefer I leave him?

Son: ( Hopeful silence)

Mother: Am sorry son but you will have to accept it.Uncle Malala and I are in love. I wonder why you are not for this idea. Come on he is not bad.

Son: (Bad silence)

Mother: You are my child, my baby,my handsome child..

Son: (smilling silence)

Mother: and now my handsome child, you will accept Uncle Malala with time after you see how good he is.

Son: (Sarcastic silence)

Mother: Are you scoffing? Well, enough! I will not have you disrespecting me. Can I get the belt.

Son : (scared silence)

Mother: Shhh!! Ok, I will not beat you. I love you son let us go and eat lunch and we will talk about this later ok.

Son: ( relieved silence)

Mother: Mmmmhh..You are a very “understanding” child, hope you understanf this too, Uncle Malala is just plan A, there is a Plan B and C.

Son: (Confused Silence)

CIRU, MAMA & SILENCES

Ciru: Mama, I should tell you something...

Mama: (interested silence)

Ciru: You know... I am in love.

Mama: (alert silence)

Ciru: No, not with a man.

Mama: (Confused silence)

Ciru: With a girl..and I do not regret it!

Mama: (Horrified silence)

Ciru: You, probably, want to know, who she is?

Mama: (affirmative silence)

Ciru: It is AKinyi.

Mama: (shocked silence)

Ciru: No, it is not Akinyi the daughter of your friend.... Actually she is not even a family friend or my age, or from around here.

Mama: (uncomprehending silence)

Ciru: She is from Kisumu and way older...

Mama: (questioning silence)

Ciru: Yes! I have been in love with her already for a long time.

Mama: (contemptuous silence)

Ciru: I know you probably thinking I should get a man to love me and that am crazy.

Mama: (Angry silence)

Ciru: Yes, I knew, how you would react to this... But, any way, I decided that I couldn’t hide it from you any more...

Mama: (Condemning silence)

Ciru: You will not interfere with my relationship, will you?

Mama: (Murderous silence)

Ciru: Akinyi is a wonderful person! She is so kind and generous and beautiful and very bright, she has an IQ of over 150...

Mama: (sarcastic silence)

Ciru: I love you mama... You have brought me up well and I thank you for that, but I need to be true to myself….

Mama: (quarrelsome silence)

Ciru: Don’t look at me like that mama.

Mama: ( angry silence)

Ciru: My God, you will not accept?

Mama: (spiteful silence)

Ciru: Come on you need to understand, no one has ever made me feel the way she does, no man.

Mama: (hating silence)

Ciru: Do you still love me now that I have told you?

Mama: (sad silence)

Ciru: I am very disappointed in you mama, I expected at least you to be on my side, one doesn’t stop loving their children no matter what.

Mama: (protesting silence)

Ciru: You probably want to keep this under wraps, you don’t want any of your friends to know. You are ashamed of me mama

Mama: (offended silence)

Ciru: What would you have me do? Pretend, get married to a man and give you more grand children that you always wanted?

Mama: (tactful silence)

Ciru: I can still give you grandchildren, artificial insemination….

Mama: (sneering silence)

Ciru: Oh my God, mama you don’t approve? You are really old world!

Mama: (eloquent silence)

Ciru: I have accepted myself, you need to accept the new me too..well not really new.

Mama: (Dissapointed silence)

Ciru: Ok mama,I’ll leave! I will go far away with Akinyi, maybe to America where we can marry and society will not condemn us

Mama: (begging silence)

Ciru: What is it? that is probably what you will like, no one will ever know about me, grandmother and the other relatives wont know.

Mama: (Heartbroken silence)

Ciru: All right, am not leaving immediately, will be here for sometime mama.

Mama: (facilitated silence)

Ciru: But mama you must get used to the idea of me being in love with another woman.

Mama: (Just silence)

Ciru: All right, all right, mama I love you so much and you realize it has taken me a lot of courage to confide in you.

Mama: (greatful silence)

Ciru: Yes... And it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I cant help it mama am like that, has been this way for long, since I was in primary school back when we were leaving in Ushirika area.

Mama: (sympathetic silence)

Ciru: Akinyi will come and visit us,okay?

Mama: (obscene silence )

Ciru: Be nice mama! And besides you will like her I promise.

Mama: (tragical silence)

Ciru: Well, you see mama, never mind that she is luo and we are Kikuyu.

Mama: (unconscious silence)

Ciru: All will be fine!

Mama: (dead silence)

Ciru: Well, mama so sorry I did not turn out like my sister who is married to that Luhya man with a house full of children and pregnant already! Again!

Mama: (Mischievous Silence)

Ciru: Yes - yes, I know she is the apple of your eye now that I have turned black sheep.

Mama: (Offended Silence)

Ciru: I love you mama and I want to see you smile and happy always.

Mom: (Loving Silence)

Ciru: I know this is hard on you. I wont make it harder by bringing Akinyi yet. Until you get used to the idea, okay.

Mama: (happy silence)

Ciru: I love you mama

Mama:(Loving Silence)

Ciru:( Peaceful Silence)